One month on

It's been a month on and it just doesn't feel real ;( we've been through a whole month without you here. It's crap, I'm angry, I'm hurt and you shouldn't be gone! Your uncle tries so hard to not think about how much he misses you, but it's a struggle. There's so much we want to say and so much we want to do and can't. I try to hold it together for us and it's worked okay this far. I hear your Hoha of your cousin :) well too bad, you want to go up there so your stuck with her lol. Life where ever you are has got to be better than here, too much hate on this earth right now. Vikki-Ann, keep your cousin in check and if he gets any bright ideas, tell on him to Nanny :) Well Brandon and Vikki-Ann, I love and miss you both. Shine extra bright for mama on Saturday, Brandon let your uncle know your alright please. Big hugs.

Will the dust ever clear?

It's easy to fit back into the routine of life once things settle. Though I've come to realize, that there are some things that never really do. Without wading in my sess-pool of guilt and all things bad, today I want to reflect on those people in your life that are utter crap. They make you feel crap and purposely or unknowingly push the boundary of freedom of speech. I get freedom of speech, just not in my presence. Times have moved on where it's okay to grieve and mourn the loss of a child, that today I mourn the loss of all children. For those who's voice has been choked out of them, suppressed and pushed down. For those whose babies have been taken tragically from their arms. For those whose stillborn babies were whisked away, out of sight, out of mind. For those who suffered miscarriages and never got to see their hearts beat. For those who havnt physically lost their child, but there child they do not see. The children separated from us through custody battles, through relationship breakdowns and divorce. To those who's babies were not babies, but still their child all the same. For the parents who have buried their child. Those who held their children's hands through sickness and death. Those who's babies went into eternal sleep and anyone who is grieving a loss right now, this time, today! You don't need anyone's permission to pour out your hearts hurt, only then can it be restored to whole ness. You don't need someone poking at the recesses of your umbra of grief with a stick. Instead, accept the light into those recesses by expressing who you are in your moment of need or hurt. May the Devine love that is our Lords, shine on you today.

The Release

I feel sorry for your uncle, as he gets through his day struggling to believe you've gone. There's an unreality moment that surrounds your passing, due to the sudden-ness of it. My own emotions get challenged daily and I find I'm more sensitive to crying moments. You don't want us to fuss and I know that, but it's hard earth side to move through life without you. No I didn't communicate with you, but I always asked how you were. I've learned now that I need to seize moments and extend the opportunities quickly, otherwise I will fail like I did with you. I failed to pave your path here to us, although I said send him here now, just send him over. Nothing ever really come of it. We didn't press or buy your ticket or tell you get on a plane. Nope we waited till this happened, when we were more comfortable, had more space! When really we should have just done it! The urgency we didn't show for you is an urgency we need to show from here on out. No more mucking around my boy, no wait for this or wait for that. Seize the day!