Naturally, the surface stuff was always a picture of perfection. We get pretty good at hiding all the bad stuff and the stuff that no one wants any part of. In the first 2 months I felt great, we were starting to have better relationships with people I really cared not to bother with. I knew in my heart who I wanted around me and who's love I needed. Unfortunately no one else did. I had finally gotten over my phase of drinking and the previous months had been so turbulent, that I welcomed the change. I was starting to put on weight now and well when your body changes, so does a new emotion start to arise. I didn't feel myself anymore, which made me feel 'I' wasn't good enough. I felt like a different person again and then I'm back in the pit of despair. You see, this is when things got to breaking point in my relationship.
I was accused of making Vikki-Ann up and well no one speaks ill or wrong of my Angel. NO ONE. It was her personal goal to infect and riddle my life with insecurity about me as a mother, me as a partner and me as woman in society. How dare she. If I could of, I would have shown her what its like to kiss my fist. That's the anger that I built up in me and it actually threw me in to a different kind of depression. We had just memorialised Vikki-Ann's 1 year Angel-Versary and were proud of this, so we told people via Facebook and Bebo that we missed and Vikki-Ann and how we spent the day. She took offence to this and so started her rampage of destruction. I wanted out, life with my dead daughter was far more better than this and I wanted to take it on more than one occassion. I felt I needed to protect her, but how can you protect the dead? From here in this realm, simple you cant. My partner did nothing and I wasn't going to do nothing, so I spoke up. She got to me she really did, then I realised I didn't need her approval or acceptance in this family. I have no time for the immoral people that litter this world or uphold their own lies by pointing at someone else. It wasn't going to work, so I made everyone aware of her little indescrepencies. I sat in silence while she went about her poisoning and waited for everyone to realise that this is the same person who does this to everyone. Even her own family, so what am I worried about. She's a thief, a liar and waste of space.
This is the time I realised that once again, there really are no support groups out there to help my situation. Counsellors really need to update their qualifications in dealing with grieving mothers of dead babies. Because I have met some extremely suck ass ones, that do more damage than good to a mothers well being.
So what do you do?
I joined a beautiful support group called Baby n Bump which is a UK based forum. There I found the loss support groups that were applicable to me and I spoke to like minded mothers who for the first time, felt me. We were all in the same space of mind and searching for something that was going to ease us in to days as normal and as gentle as possible. When I had my terribly bad days, they were there. I had finally got a grip on life and good things were now starting to happen at home, in my relationship and in my heart. I made it my mission to declare my love for Vikki-Ann any way I could and any way I was able.
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