Yesterday was a breakthrough moment for me and one that has had the best healing effect ever in my life. How often have I attempted to reach out to either family, friends or professionals, only to feel like Ive gained more pain or just made myself angry. Too many times to be exact, in fact when you have to attempt such a big step on more than 2 occasions, you realise that really there is no-one on this earth who actually knows. I don't expect to be given the directory to overcoming grief, but I do think that grief has a right to be addressed. To be told that its unhealthy to grieve the life of a child is heartbreaking and that you need to move on because you at least have ONE left from the pregnancy. As if to say that it's okay for one life to have died. I loathe insensitive people with insensitive advice, thinking that they are doing us a great service. Well no, please before anyone deems it okay to throw advice at a grieving parent, do some research first and foremost. Don't assume you know and assume that what you say is for the better of all involved.
Leaving the hospital without you was hard and I wish it never had to be that way. I felt empty & unsatisfied with not only the outcome, but the aftermath that followed. I didn't want to plan anything big for fear of trying to over compensate the guilt I felt. Physically I was hurting, emotionally I was calm & mentally I wasn't coping.
I could see your frail body flick & playback over & over and I was hung up on being sad & wrapped in grief. As much as I hated being sad, I felt it was the least I could do to ensure that you knew how I missed you. How hard it was to feel that the space that belonged to you, was empty without you physically. Yet full with sadness and grief for you.
I loved your ashes box, silver with a hologram name plaque behind a glass panel. It mimicked your beauty ever so lovingly. Best of all your sister chose it for you. I asked her to hold this for you until it was time to collect your ashes. She guarded it with so much care and unfortunately it was to be the last time she had anything to do with you.
I think I was given a raw deal when it came to expressing my grief, to the point I would put on a front to what was really happening. I still had a newborn to care for and yet I was coming to terms with losing another. I didn't feel anyone understood the full extent of what happened. Once the initial shock and the wave of what happened had come to an end, we were left as a little unit to carry on with life. The odd few would ask how I was and I knew from the tone what they meant. Although I felt a little on the spot at the time, I really did appreciate that we were in their thoughts.
I found it hard being alone and away from people. I immersed myself in things that took me away from my thoughts, guilt and grief.. Which meant I made a friend in alcohol. I found it eased my hurt and at times if I felt emotional than I would cry because it was okay, your drunk, its what happens. Songs would spark a pang of ache and as much as I wanted the love of my partner, I pushed him away. Drinking made me brave and distant from the pain. Being a mother to a little one at times made me guilty and hurt. I felt guilty all the time because I didn't protect one of my girls, with my body. I felt I had immatured in my thoughts, where the moral seemed and felt immoral. The wrong seemed right and at that time it was working for me. I wanted to make everyone around me happy and most of all I wanted it to appear that I had it together. That I 'had this' grief thing kicked in the butt. I was lying, to myself, to everyone and to my growing and healthy daughter. Inside I didn't have it together, I wasn't managing my inner pain and the cracks were starting to show.
I was emotional especially at night, its when I would spark an argument for the sake of it and to not have to deal with the night times. I associated these times with 'thinking' time, the time I had my mind to myself and this meant thinking of Vikki-Ann. So when Alyssa would wake up, I didnt mind as she occupied my mind. I kept to myself apart from those around me, but everyone had their own things to attend to and eventually I found I was dealing with others before my own needs. My relationship with my family had strained due to the breakdown of my last marriage and the circumstances surrounding the breakup. It involved my three eldest children and it wasnt pretty. Effectively I felt like I had lost 4 children and I was drowning in so much regret and guilt that I didnt know how to deal with it. 10 months after Vikki-Ann, we were finally moving in to our own house, which meant I didnt have to front for anyone anymore. It was going to be the first time we as a family were on our own, without others to rely on for company or support. I think it added to my already vunerable state of mind, as now I had more than enough time to think and dwell
No comments:
Post a Comment