Venerable

I'm feeling venerable and scared at the minute, there are some things happening in my life that could see a big change in everything that makes me feel secure within myself and in my space.  The property we live in has been sold and this puts a big amount of stress and pressure on us to find somewhere to call home again.  I hate the feeling of venerability and just how it affects the whole sense and feeling within the home.  I'm unsettled and constantly worrying that things are not going to work out and we will be homeless.  I feel I really need to talk to someone, but who and where do I start? I want to cry, I want to get drunk to distance myself if only for a night for the nights are hard on me.  Getting to sleep early has never been a problem, it's staying asleep that I have a problem with.  It only takes a few seconds for my mind to wake up and I'm alone in the dark worrying and wondering about tomorrow and the next day and the next day after that.  I need the strength to pull me from the depths of possible despair so that I can fully function again without worry and without the concerns of what tomorrow will bring.  I could have a million people around me and still feel alone.  I'm sensing depression taking a hold of me again. I'm sensing the same feelings I felt when we said goodbye to you our baby.  God please guide me in a direction that I can feel safe once again, I need to feel your arms of strength pulling me from the darkness again. Amen

October - The month of remembrance

October marks the month of remembrance of all the babies and children who were born still, SIDS, medical conditions or otherwise.  Its a month where so may families unite to share the memories that we all hold close, when it comes to our Angels.  Reading so many posts, stories and blogs breaks my heart that little bit more and pulls the heart strings that much more when I think of you.  I don't like feeling the sadness that I feel and I want to generate happy feelings and happy thoughts, but how do you do that? How do you turn a tragic experience into something positive? For me it has been about making candles that light up the world with a glow, I know you would have made in this world.  I do hope that I can make this work for your memory my baby.