When grief returns

The hardest thing about the way you left us, is that it's like grieving all over again for you! This time up close and personal with every detail and image of you. In the early hours I cry for the grief I never quiet felt when you passed, it's a bittersweet feeling that brings up the hardest of emotions. Why you? Lawyers refer to you as 'victim' at times and Mr Ripia other times. Exhibit A, page this and page that, that I always get this pull in my heart string that it's 'you' they're referring to. My tears can't contain themselves, that my last memory of you sits with me in a courtroom. How can I now rise above that memory? Where ever you are Brandon, I know you say she didn't mean it. But something in me knows you said it to protect her, so that any charges pressed would be light. If you had of known your life hung in the balance, would you have said those same words? Without a doubt I know you would of, that's the love you had for her. Need strength today to firstly get there and home, to be strong for my girls and for your uncle. Love you B ❤️

No Support

One thing I've never expected is sympathy. I don't because I can't. Maybe because I don't feel worthy or deserving of it. The moment I tell people that I actually exchanged my life for my baby's, changes the tone of the conversation. I've lied about the way you've died because I couldn't handle feeling responsible. I was responsible for your life and your death, that I felt terrible sharing it.  If that sparks an out cry about my integrity, then frankly I don't care. You havnt worn my shoes and I hope you never will. 

This is where things become awkward and or annoying as in my case. Because I have sisters and members of my family who don't care. Treat me like I should be over it already and well they can kiss my ass! No being answerable to sorry mofo's for me. 😡😡😡

29 January 2014

We celebrate a life and alternatively an anniversary of your death. I can't say loss anymore as it seems too childish for you. 5 years on from the early morning your heart stopped beating, no one will know that sound if they havnt experienced it for themselves. We don't plan death or wake up one day deciding what our day has in store. Your death wasn't for attention, for the longing for acknowledgment! No! Would rather not actually, I love the safety of my own bubble and surroundings. That to have to have people look at you with pity, is far from my ideal way of being in the spotlight. I remember standing there next to your ashes box crying and feeling totally ashamed of myself. Ashamed that I couldn't carry you and bring you safely into this world, that I failed as your mother to birth you alive. I get on edge when asked about my twins and when I say "one died in the womb" I'm back to guilt again. I don't want to be asked the dreaded question of "how"? Is the average joe ready to hear it and feel sorry for asking? Or uncomfortable more to the point! When I say it was either my baby or me and their jaws hang with a oh! How do you make good of a situation  when there was no possible happy outcome? Either I died or my baby died! Can't sugar coat any of that! I played a part in something I regret, yet I've learned from it. I've learned that I'm grateful for every breath I take and every step I make on this earth, because one of my babies never will. I get annoyed at the life moaners and since your death, I don't tolerate peoples crap very well. In fact I'm more impatient and more straight up than I've ever been. That hard shell starts to form and people get easily offended by truth. I feel that it's best to clear the air with people than let it effect my thinking, I'm too busy for subtle hints! Just say it man! However, despite all of that you humbled me and you gave me a sense of understanding. Something I will never have experienced, if it wasn't for you. What ever 5 looks like in your realm, I bet it's bliss my darling! In my heart you will always dance, in my heart you will stay always my Ruby Girl ❤️

Dreams

My tears felt real in every way last night that today I feel rattled. Rattled because your no longer here! On our way to Whanganui I shed a tear as we neared your resting place. Why did it have to be this way 😢 why you? I want to hug you and tell you I love you with all my heart. No one will truly know the love I have for you and always will have. You were my boy from 2 years old on and now your gone! My heart aches and I hope that you knew I loved you. Rest Easy Rexin ❤

March 5 2013

It was the day my heart broke into a million pieces, the day I never thought we'd bury our own. I remember you as a baby, we spent a good amount of our time together the two of us. You would eat the fluff off your blanket and start coughing from the fluff balls. You were always holding a cat, you loved them so so much. As a toddler you brought humor to our daily lives, just by being you. You would look over to Pirongia and talk about Whanawhana the Patupaearehe. I missed a great deal of your life when you moved to Sydney but you also spent a great deal of time with us then and when I spent time  in Sydney near you. My tour guide, my mate and the one who showed me Blacktown, Westmead and the tourist sites. How I miss you and wish you were here. I woke up knowing that we'll be passing your resting place today. I love you more than words can say Rexin. Shining bright like a diamond as always. Aunties heart will always save a space for you ❤❤❤

Tears for the fallen

A sister to our cousin was buried yesterday and I hurt about it even though I'd never met her. I know that she would be just like her sister, always smiling, always laughing and an infectious laugh. It hurts more when lives are gone while young, while there is so much more to give and with the world waiting for our presence to be felt. I'm emotional because it feels too close to home, too close to me and yet so real. I want to write the poems of my heart, the hurt it feels and the bits hiding in its darkness. Maybe soon I'll find the flow to do it. In the mean time, enjoy what you have. We are too caught up in life's worries that life itself is passing us by. Love you B, rest easy Lofty Tua-Tupou ❤

2 Months without you

You've been gone for two months and it still feels unreal. It's not like you've popped down the road and you'll be back and that's the stink thing. You won't ever be back in our lives. Since your passing people are passing tragically, as a result of unnecessary things. I'm finding it hard to contain the emotions of it all, even though I'm not related. I feel like I have to grieve with the families. Sorry, I know you don't want to hear me go on. But after you it feels like time bombs are going off left right and centre. Things are close to home and in direct contact with those I know. I hate the feeling of losing someone, that I'm dreading that same news in my own family (touch wood) I hate feeling like I'm preparing emotionally for it and in all honesty, I am in no way prepared at all. I'm not prepared to make that 2 hour flight home, because of someone's death. Well not just someone's but my own immediate family. A baby in your families family, your Aunty, a Koro! Too much too soon, too raw and too close. The way you passed sucks! Im annoyed, angry and peed off but I have to let justice be served where it's needed. Hope heavens a cool place, cos I think it will be.