29 January 2014

We celebrate a life and alternatively an anniversary of your death. I can't say loss anymore as it seems too childish for you. 5 years on from the early morning your heart stopped beating, no one will know that sound if they havnt experienced it for themselves. We don't plan death or wake up one day deciding what our day has in store. Your death wasn't for attention, for the longing for acknowledgment! No! Would rather not actually, I love the safety of my own bubble and surroundings. That to have to have people look at you with pity, is far from my ideal way of being in the spotlight. I remember standing there next to your ashes box crying and feeling totally ashamed of myself. Ashamed that I couldn't carry you and bring you safely into this world, that I failed as your mother to birth you alive. I get on edge when asked about my twins and when I say "one died in the womb" I'm back to guilt again. I don't want to be asked the dreaded question of "how"? Is the average joe ready to hear it and feel sorry for asking? Or uncomfortable more to the point! When I say it was either my baby or me and their jaws hang with a oh! How do you make good of a situation  when there was no possible happy outcome? Either I died or my baby died! Can't sugar coat any of that! I played a part in something I regret, yet I've learned from it. I've learned that I'm grateful for every breath I take and every step I make on this earth, because one of my babies never will. I get annoyed at the life moaners and since your death, I don't tolerate peoples crap very well. In fact I'm more impatient and more straight up than I've ever been. That hard shell starts to form and people get easily offended by truth. I feel that it's best to clear the air with people than let it effect my thinking, I'm too busy for subtle hints! Just say it man! However, despite all of that you humbled me and you gave me a sense of understanding. Something I will never have experienced, if it wasn't for you. What ever 5 looks like in your realm, I bet it's bliss my darling! In my heart you will always dance, in my heart you will stay always my Ruby Girl ❤️